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Buffets are a Bulimic’s Paradise

Last night Lauren and Malcolm finally persuaded me to have dinner at East Melange. East Melange is an Asian food buffet in a shopping plaza in Hamden. Now, I’m no snob. Er, I’m a bit of a snob, but Christ. This is a far cry from Perbacco on the corner of 4th and B. But I’m game. I’m fun. I enjoy irony and dumplings. Also, I sort of think this is the beginning of an elaborate rouse that will ultimately land me at my birthday party. (I’ll be 27 on Sunday, I’m not just delusional). And so I get bedazzled thinking soon it’ll be all “Surprise!” and “Have some champs” pop, glug, glug, glug. And off we go.

The Ambience: It is bright. Times Square meets interrogation room bright. So, if you want to see suburbanites eating scallion pancakes and jello up close and personal-like, this is where you should camp out. To tell the truth, there were many Asian families enjoying the sumptious offerings for your eyes and mouths. Which made me feel more secure and hopeful. There was the obligatory fishtank, and then….The Steam Tables. Yes, friends, there were not one, not two, not three, but four banks of glistening goodness, all cozy under their hot lamps and whatnot. And, And, a raw slash sushi bar. Holy conumdrum and calamity.

The Yum-Yums: Lauren and I ordered a carafe of white wine (it was fine) and Malcolm requested a Singha. They have no Singha. I think he got a Heineken. They have that if that’s what he got, but I don’t recall because saliva was starting to pool in mouth, around my teeth and gums and whatnot in anticipation of digesting all the glorious food products I am about to hungrily ingest. To the plates! I think I forgot to mention that there is a little sideboard of soups. I did not choose to have any soups, though wonton is a soup that I enjoy. It was overwhelming. Everything looked quite good. Bamboo boxes of buns and biscuits; more impaled meat than I had ever imagined; even a carving station! The little ramekin of curried seafood was outstanding, my personal favorite. Also of note: beef on a stick, lobster pancakes, green beans in a sauce, and pork hobos. ? ! Lauren the Brave enjoyed some oysters, and I think she’s still alive today. My friend Malc ate a piece tuna (whoch gives him clean strength) and salmon and said they weren’t half bad. But who knows. Now, if you don’t like things that taste lilke sewer ass, then definitely do not try a long stalk of something fishy where inside you’ll find jagged little teeth akin to razor-wire. It has a bad mouth-feel, and, again, to reiterate, tastes like old, dead, decaying ass. Malcolm and Lauren’s denoument included some desserts like soft serve chocolate and vanilla and creme brulee. not too shabby. Exeunt.

In conclusion, we were so stuffed…; there was no birthday party for jills; and I probably will not return to East Melange. But that’s not because they aren’t trying, and truly doing some good and interesting things with Chinese food. I just don’t happen to enjoy a buffet, East, West, or anywhere in between.

There Is 1 Response So Far. »

  1. You love the Melange.

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