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Pluto or Pizza: Which Planet [sic] is Preferable?

I know I’m out the astrostronomy loop (orbit?), but I only just learned that in 2000 the director of the Hayden Planetarium had the unmediated gaul to propose that Pluto be demoted from planet to a mere big ball of ice. The people were livid. There was rioting in the streets. It was 1789 all over again. and then there was quiet.

I felt genuinely bummed for the loss of status for the little guy, jettisoned out there all by its lonesome. Pluto puts the “pizza” in My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas.

which reminds me…

What do you think about living on Planet PIzza? Dude, I know. You’re baffled and gleeful and a little misty eyed at the notion. You’re all “This is the winningest idea that has ever been presented to me”. Sadly, I’m all, “It’s not.”

The reality is sinking in, isn’t it? If you live on a planet made of pizza, you would never get to eat delicious pizza…pizza would be, like, dirt. Ya, let that get all gammed up in your gray matter. Devasting news. But wait.

I know you’re quicker than I am, kittens and you’ve already leapt to the existential conclusion that if one is a born inhabitant of Planet Pizza one would not even entertain the idea of pizza as being edible. Molten mozzarella would erupt from tomato volcanos. Though terrifying to you or I, this is reality on Planet Pizza. You holiday at the sausage sea and bask on a bready beach. The crust on Planet Pizza is actually crust!

Difficult as this is to digest (yes? no?), let us suspend our disbelief for just one moment to encounter the real cosmological conundrum: Could you live and breath on a planet where you could not eat pizza, where you walked on pizza and as a child played in the pizza, where pizza was what you called home but never dinner. What if our progeny explores and eventually settlles Planet Pizza, somewhere out there in a neighboring galaxy, and the new colony is thriving for generations, but somewhere in the recesses of the unconsious, is the sublte but strong desire to take a bit of the “earth”. You are racked with guilt. You think you’e disturbed; you’ll be labeled insane and made an outcast of your culture. This could be happening in one of the many parallel planets existing somewhere in the multiverse.

Or, if you had to, could you be the denizen of a planet that was no planet. If you were pleased with your place in world, living on the tiny planet farthest from the sun in this place we call the Milky Way, and suddenly some Earth-bound scientist informs you that your very comfortable geospehere is no planet at all. You’re kicked out of the club. Neptune revokes your “Proud Planet” button and all that. What happens to your sense of self and stability. Do you feel changed? Less than what you had been before this diminishing revelation? Can a thing retain its qualities when its classification is suddenly switched? What is in a name?

So, I’m leaving this out there, dangling in the …osphere: Planet Pizza or UnPlanet Pluto? Which one would you choose?

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