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I Flippin’ Hate

Stamps Dot ComEver find yourself picking a fight with a company’s customer service department for no reason whatsoever? I joined about a year ago. Their “service” allows you to print postage directly from your computer, the privilege of which costs $15.99 per month in addition to the postage fees, themselves. After about 6 months, I realized that I had yet to print a single stamp. So, during one of my sweeps to plug holes in the ol’ bank account, I decided to cancel. I emailed six months ago, and requested that my account be canceled, and received a response saying that I would need to CALL in order to cancel my account.

Now, I don’t fucking call people.

So for some reason, I decided that was ridiculous and I would not call them. So, the next month, they attempted to charge my bank account again, but it was an account I no longer used and was empty, so the charge failed. I again politely requested that my account be cancelled, and again, I was told to call. No.

The next month? Same thing. I wrote again, requesting that my account be cancelled, and not to tell me to call, and that the fee would continue to bounce. The month after that? Repeat. By this time, I had closed the bank account, and said so. I was told to call to cancel my account, but I refer you again to my main point. I don’t call. This is the Internet, people, this is 21st century business; there is no reason for me to call anyone, ever.

This went on for six months, until it all came to a head yesterday, when my account was successfully cancelled via email “as a courtesy.” Enjoy the following email correspondence, and laugh as I am passed from “The Team” to Susan, to Colton, to Clarissa, and then back to “The Team.” And as you read, remember…I have no idea why I am doing this. Read the transcript, after the jump.

From: Account Support []
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 11:27 AM
Subject: Service Cancellation Request

Dear Malcolm,

We are sorry to see you go! Your request to close your account has been processed and
your service has been discontinued as of 05-25-2006.

A final account statement will be emailed to you, which may include this month’s service fees. If you signed up for a trial and are closing your account within the trial period, you will not be charged any service fees.

Sincerely, Account Support Team

As promised, I got an account statement after this saying that I owed them $63 dollars for the last six month’s failed billing attempts. Oh, hell no.

From: Malcolm
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 11:34 AM

This is ridiculous. I have been begging you to cancel this account for six months. I have never even used your service, which means I think that over the last year, you have pulled more than your fair share of monthly account fees out of me. This final $68 fee is ridiculous, and it needs to be waived.

Seems fair, no? I guess not.

From: Accounts []
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 12:08 PM
Subject: RE: Service Cancellation Request (KMM4659965V73088L0KM)


Thank you for choosing

We are sorry to hear that you have not been utilizing the services and features available with your account. However, the service fee applied to your account is a flat rate monthly fee that is not usage based.

All open accounts are assessed a monthly service fee as agreed upon in the terms and conditions of our Service Agreement. Our billing policy is clearly stated in the Service Agreement which all customers are required to read and agree to prior to opening an account. This information is also presented during the registration process and reiterated in the Welcome Email we send all customers immediately upon opening an account.


Customer Care Specialist Internet Postage

I’m sorry Susan, but it’s officially ON.

From: Malcolm
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 12:10PM

Look, you cancelled my account via email today “as a courtesy.” If that is the case, then why wasn’t this simply done six months ago, when I first asked, or any month after, when I asked again and again? This $63 charge is simply not valid, since YOU made the decision not to honor my cancellation requests over the last six months. This final charge needs to be waived, so we can both get on with our lives.

Susan doesn’t know what to say about this. So, Colton steps in.

From: Accounts []
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 12:57 PM
To: Malcolm
Subject: RE: Service Cancellation Request (KMM4660175V75811L0KM)

Hello Malcolm,

Thank you for contacting Unfortunately we cannot waive or credit the service fees on your account because all service fees are valid per the Terms & Conditions.As stated in the Terms and Conditions of Service, all account cancellation requests must be submitted to our Customer Support department by telephone. Our cancellation policy is in place to ensure the security and privacy of your personal and financial information.

Below is the relevant excerpt from our Terms and Conditions document:

“ shall immediately cancel your account after you call customer support at 1-888-434-0055, Monday – Friday, 6 am – 6pm (PST) and verify your account information. An open account is billed once per billing cycle/month. When your monthly service plan is terminated, we bill for the entire final month.”


Customer Care Specialist Internet Postage

Colton, you rascal, don’t you DARE quote Terms and Conditions to me. I won’t stand for it, and I step things up.

From: Malcolm
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 1:06PM

Well, I guess we’ve said all there is to say, at this point. For your records: I am disputing the validity of these charges. I will not be paying them. In fact, I will declare bankruptcy and live in a cardboard box before I pay you this $63 dollars. I wish you the best of luck in your collection attempts. Thanks.

Colton is baffled, and Clarissa steps in, several hours later:

From: Accounts []
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 5:07 PM
To: Malcolm
Subject: RE: Service Cancellation Request (KMM4660827V91131L0KM)

Hello Malcom,

If you feel it necessary to dispute valid fees to which you agreed to, we would gladly cooperate with your financial institution or any authorized investigative body to establish the validity of any fees in contention.


Customer Care Specialist Internet Postage

You’ve gotta be kidding me. I take this as a customer service passive-aggressive punch in the face. Also, Clarissa, you spelled my name wrong, whore. It’s time to wrap this up with a knockout punch.

From: Malcolm
Sent: Thursday, May 25, 2006 6:06PM

No need. I will simply ignore any further correspondence or collection attempts. You get to not bend on a nonsense policy, even after I have paid hundreds of dollars for not one penny’s worth of service, and even after ignored, repeated cancellation attempts, and I get to not send you $63 dollars. Everybody wins. In fact, I am pulling $63 crisp dollar bills out of my wallet right now and throwing them out the window.


BOOM! That should do it, right? But oh no… gets the last word, with a final message from “the team”:

From: Accounts []
Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2006 11:04AM
To: Malcolm
Subject: RE: Service Cancellation Request (KMM4660827V91131L0KM)

Hello Malcolm,

Thank you for contacting

We have thoroughly researched your account and have comprehensively communicated our policies as well as all possible courses of action available with regard to this issue. The absolute resolution to this matter has been reached and explained in detail in our previous correspondence. There are no further avenues of action available on our part with regard to this issue.

If you have any additional information regarding this matter that was not previously presented or if you have a different issue you would like us to address, please let us know so we may be of assistance.


The Customer Support Team Internet Postage

And that’s it, then. I felt no need to respond, but you had better believe that they will never get that $63 dollars. I had a lot of fun taking a trivial stand against nothing and being really mean for no reason on my birthday, but I’d also like to remind everyone not to be mean to CS representatives. They are minimum wage slaves who get crapped on all day, and it’s not nice to make their lives any more miserable. Except for Clarissa, be mean to her, because she’s a whore.

There Are 6 Responses So Far. »

  1. Hmm. Sam’s bro? I can tell. A writerly bunch. funny.

  2. dude, you’re my hero.

  3. This company needs help. They billed me twice for insurance on an overnight shipment that took three days to reach it’s destination. I’ve been trying to get this resolved and I’ve been on hold for an hour and a half now.

  4. Can we talk?

    I went in search of the Customer Service email address, the corporate office….any adress for anyone who’d listen to my saga.

    I, too, fell through the cracks of the great alternative to the USPS.

    If you can believe this. Here is the email I just sent to (Dec. 28, 2006):

    To Whom It May Concern,

    Christmas came and went……..without my Holiday cards including the stamps I ordered on 11/24/06, was told that they could take as long as 10-14 days to be delivered………..
    that NEVER arrived. Not only did I inquire well in advance, to ensure a prompt delivery, but no one took the time to follow up with me on whether or not I did or didn’t finally receive my package.

    I don’t know who dropped the ball on my order, but it would seem that a mere $4.99 purchase wasn’t worth anyone’s time or energy to resolve.

    I would appreciate having my account refunded the amount of the stamps & shipping/delivery charge, as it’s apparent that I didn’t receive what I ordered.

    The reason I subscribed to was for the convenience of not having to head to the post office everytime I needed postage for mail – to forego the crowds and wait time in lines out the door and down the street! Not only did I have to be subject to both during the Holiday Season (the most hectic time of the year), but I’m still paying a monthly fee for a service not rendered – stamps online!

    I would hope that this email complaint does not fall to the wayside or that it isn’t deemed necessary to research just why my order was never shipped. I would think someone would want to know why their system isn’t functioning accordingly. At the expense of your customer’s satisfaction as well.

    Your quick attention to this matter is appreciated.

    Thank you.


    I’d like to close with this tid-bit of reality. I find it comical that I could place an order for stamps for the Holiday’s (albeit costing only $4.99 1 month in advance) and never get them, but ordered 2 laptops & printers from DELL, 1 cellular phone from Cingular, 3 digital camera’s w/photo scan & memory cards, 1 camcorder from Circuit City, 3 FTD gifts sent to 3 different states…all online on Dec. 19th….that arrived at my address and other recipients on or before Dec. 24th….Go Figure!

    Thanks for your eyes. For whatever it’s worth, I feel better just getting my anguish OUT!


  5. I’m going through a similar thing with them. They keep trying to bill me and it’s mounting and mounting. Funny thing is, I’ve never subscribed to and I don’t know how they got my info. I’ve blocked them from accessing my bank accounts, but they still try. It’s up to $224.91, now!

  6. I HATE, too, and I need to vent!!!

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