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About an hour and a half ago I pooped in the ocean and saw a dolphin. In that order. There was a lot going on during that time in my life so let’s back up and retrace the steps leading up to my pooping in the ocean and seeing dolphins. Aha! This is good! I’ve already correctly remembered that there were multiple ocean mammals. Sweet.

Yesterday I made Malcolm some delicious egg salad which he ate for lunch. I, however, did not eat the egg salad for lunch, having already enjoyed, I think some organic cantaloupe and blueberries. We saved the egg salad in a small Tupperware container and I spied it in the fridge this morning when I was fixin to feed my belly. Okay. Delicious egg salad for breakfast (on a mini bagel) and I’m ready for a day al playa.

I walked about a mile down the beach where the ocean seems is slightly more inviting (dearth of sea pork, concrete pilings, etc.) and dug my little chair into the wet sand. I was reading another lovely story in interpreter of maladies and thinking I was just a wee bit thirsty (most likely from the slightly salty egg salad and the notorious Florida sun) but more or less great. There were loads of pelicans swooping down and gulls dive-bombing and a few fishing boats and me. But suddenly I came over all queer, and I knew things would never be the same.

I had the urge. And it wunnant goin nowhere but out.

Let me be perfectly honest with you: I have never pooped in the ocean in all my 27 years. It just never came up. I’ve spent hours and hours at the beach, I adore the beach, and I am not at all embarrassed to admit that I’ve urinated in God’s good ocean more times that I can spit. Sometimes, there was a bathroom really nearby, and I peed just for the pleasure of it. It’s a liberating, joyful experience. I often pee in the ocean with my BFF, Angela Bernice Delecke.

Angela is another story altogether. I don’t know for sure, but I’d bet my uncle’s beard she has pooped in the ocean on numerous occasions. I know she pooped in Africa, and in a field at a Phish show, a who all knows where else. I wish she were here with me today for many reasons. No one goes to the beach together like she and I.

I look to the left: no one. I look to the right: not a soul. I look straight out: and yes, there is a small fishing boat out some distance, but I could nobody so I’s afigured they couldn’t see little old me. I approach the water with caution. This is the Gulf and certainly murky. I couldn’t see the bottom but I figured that was a good thing. I didn’t go out very far because there might be alligators. I crouch in waist deep water and remove my trunks. Here I did my business.

When I turned around I saw my poop. Poop floats. Every idiot knows that. I vaguely remembered someone saying you should bury your stool in the ocean, but it seemed that window had passed. I casually ran out of the water, pulling at my bathing suit in the least conspicuous way.

Here is where I have mixed feeling about what I’d done. Firstly, it was fleet. I like that in a movement. Secondly, my bottom was cleansed by the salty Gulf stream, like a buoyant bidet. However, seeing my poop like that, out in the sun for all the world to see, made me feel exposed and a little ashamed. Then there was the problem of seeing a small portion of my poop wash up in the surf. I wonder if it’s preferable to poop when the tide is going out?

Not two seconds later a wondrous thing occurred. I saw the arched back of a bluish dolphin disappear into the sea. And then another, more grayish vision appeared, but with a little bob it was gone. It was awesome. Does everyone love dolphins as much as I do? I cannot imagine the sort of human being who wouldn’t be delighted at the sight of a dolphin, our smart ocean neighbor. Anyone who doesn’t think that dolphins are one of the five (5) coolest animals on this earth, leave my blog right now. And maybe write your governor and ask for the opposite of a pardon. You disgust me, you filthy hell whore. Get out of my sight!

But therein the confusion lies. I have seen dolphin in the open ocean before. But, as I’ve already disclosed, today was a first for me when it comes to ocean defication. So I have to wonder: is there a scientific correlation between pooping like a mermaid princess among all the sea creatures and beholding the ocean’s crowned prince in the space of like .4 seconds? Could be….seems kinda likely…I’m thinking yeppa. But it is not for me to know.

The world is a magical place, kids. Keep doing and keep dreamin’.


There Are 5 Responses So Far. »

  1. Sometimes it is difficult to know how to respond to a mermaid princess such as yourself :)…

  2. Well that sums it all up nicely.

    I wonder if the converse is true. Everytime you see a dolphin, someone has pooped in the ocean?

    Also, how in the hell would you bury your poop in the ocean. I can’t even conceptualize the logistics without involving severe injury to personal hygenie.

    That I’m currently thinking about this is more troubling still.

  3. I don’t know that I agree with the notion of the ocean as a bidet? P.S. Gross.

  4. Just for the record I have certainly never pooped in the ocean, but if I needed to I would. Was at the beach yesterday too and was missing you madly!

  5. does diarrhea sink or float? And suppose you #3 into the ocean – what mystical creature will emerge? Sharks? Shamu? Nessie?

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