Note: This website is no longer being updated with new posts.
Malcolm & Jillian are now writing new material here. Please join us, and thank you for reading!

Let There Be Light

While Malcolm the Elder and Malcolm the Younger are manning it up installing electricity in the Chelem house I, left alone, am working on a small restoration project of my own.

We inherited a great many things with our somewhat decaying beach casita. Among them an inflatable boat, 3 used toothbrushes, two Adirondack chairs, a glittery baton, mismatched dishes, some old ketchup in an old dirty fridge, a step ladder, a creationism tract, and assorted pieces of trash. Mari and Marcelo were happy to take most of the stuff off our hands including the boat (sorry Mac) but not the chairs which when repainted will be great. I happened to find one small treasure when I was peering behind curtains and sneaking around corners, hoping to not startle anything organic we may have inadvertently acquired. An antique gas lamp was collecting dust in the bedroom and seemed like it should be salvaged. Here it is a bright, hot Saturday and I am ready to restore a once beautiful object.

I thought it best to apply toothpaste to the frosted glass shade and ornate base with a brush. Martha Stewart and Real Simple and PBS and that crafty guy on Oprah are always wowing audiences with the surprising! simple solution you already have in your home for cleaning and polishing some old crap your grandma gave you or whatever. Based on this purely speculative and possibly made up household tip I dipped into the Colgate Maximum Protection with Calcium and Floride. I admit I did half expect a fat, reluctant djinn or some other wish-granting entity to appear in my bathroom. But you know that didn’t happen because I would be flying around on my magic carpet wearing my golden shoes and wishing for a million more wishes had that actually come to pass. I proceeded reverently, wishing as I worked for our good health and good fortune in our new home. I rinsed off the minty goo and set it on the table to admire my handiwork. It is a darling little lamp, Baroque red yet unassuming, like something from the well-appointed sitting room of dear Belle Watling. I am happy to have a piece of the house’s history. I think it will look nicely juxtaposed in the same room as our new industrial chocolate ceiling fans lazily spinning overhead. Our house will have light. (I would also really like running water and a window). But first things first, right?

Hi Dad! (I’m doing that Carol Burnett earlobe pulling thing) .

There Are 2 Responses So Far. »

  1. Yay! Belle Watling reference!!

  2. Mayonaise is also a home remedy…apparently you can condition your hair while polishing the furniture, all with the same stuff. One stop shopping. Who knew?

Post a Response

Want your picture to appear with your comment? Go get your free Gravatar now!