This may sound crazy insane, but in my 29 years I have never actually sat down and watched Scarface. Sure, I’ve seen bits and peices of the edited version they used to show on TNT, enough to fill in the blanks and FEEL like I’d seen it, but I’d never actually sat down and watched it beginning to end. With the limited availability of movies where we are, I finally broke down, picked up a copy, and watched it last night in the hammock.

Everyone (and by everyone, I mean specifically Jay-Z and anyone who has ever been on MTV’s Cribs) already knows what a great movie this is, so I don’t need to get into any kind of review, here. What matters most, is that I realized that with our current lifestyle, we need to way Scarface-up. As soon as Jillian gets back from the States, I am immediately enacting the following:

1. All of my shirts will be made of linen, and unbuttoned to just above my belly button. I will also be buying 30 pairs of crisp white cotton slacks and some alligator boots. The wearing of a (or several) gold necklaces will have to be discussed.
2. Jillian will scale her beauty back to the level of a 20-year-old Michelle Pfieffer, and dress exclusively in side-slit gold lame dresses with big gold hoop earrings. She will sit at a dressing table absent-mindedly yelling at me about how bored she is and how much she hates me while sniffing cocaine, and I will smoke a cigar in an oversized bathtub and scream about how I own the world.

While I recognize that this shift in appearance and lifestyle may cause us trouble at certain international airports, the overall package may be too compelling to pass up. We will post photos of our progress, choo fookin cack-a-roaches.