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The Last Debauched Days

So, I was going to start getting in shape. Like really getting in shape and quit drinking and stop eating really bad processed foods that I only started eating in Mexico because so much of the food is so unappealing. I’m only in my twenties for a precious few more weeks and then it’s all high fiber and herbal tea. The party’s over November 6, the day I have to cash in all my cool points and start being horny for Will Smith. And I kept meaning to start this program – oh my god without realizing I just turned on the movie Hitch. It has begun – I was always going to start on Monday but every single Monday I come up with another reason to consume vodka and Cheetos Puffs. It’s depraved. Another Sunday night has rolled around, the night of contrition and resolution and I ate Mexican Chinese food at the mall earlier and I am a smidge hung over and I feel like I should resolve to start living well. I know how much better I will feel. I know my almost 30 year old body will function optimally without processing poison approximately 82% of the time and yet. I think I might just wait. What’s a few more days at this point? A measly, paltry, negligible, fleeting 23 days. The damage, as they say is already done. And while I want to look really fabulous in all the photos so that when I look back from 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 I will say to myself, “my stars, I was a sweet piece of ass on my 30th birthday” I look alright this second and I could get to continue eating Domino’s pizza and fat sandwiches* for another 23 days and THEN become super strict about my diet. And THAT seems like the more prudent option, if by prudent you mean self-indulgent and delicious. This is not to say that I am not looking forward being 30 and the decade ahead. I think I am going to be really comfortable in my skin and confident and all that shit. In short, I think 30 is going to rule, on the reals. I just plan to to enjoy, no wallow in my 29-ness in the time leading up to it. It’s going to be messy. Buckle up. p.s. Send Twinkies.

* hyperbole

There Are 4 Responses So Far. »

  1. Hey – what’s wrong with being horny for Will Smith? I’ve had a crush on him from before I was even 20. Well, I guess I have always been mature for my age 😉

  2. Just yesterday I was wondering how old I was going to have to get before I stop finding Dorito crumbs when I take off my bra at night. I’m 38, btw, and typing with Cheeto-stained fingers. I’m a walking cautionary tale.

  3. Jillian, I have a suggestion. Why not start the diet and the working out one week before your birthday? I have done this kind of thing before when a milestone is approaching and I like it for a couple of reasons. One, on the day of your birthday you will feel like a queen for being just that much more in shape (trust me on this one….it’s a self psych-out that works!), and two, you wont feel the least bit guilty about partying hard on your birthday because you’ll already have a routine going and after the party and the recovery are done you’ll be able to get right back into the groove. Good luck!

  4. well if you keep thinking about stopping to drink alcohol you probably should. it does not sound like something that is helping your life. in fact, many people that stop actually end up with more useful, productive lives. that was my experience.

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