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New McDonald’s Cheeseburger Strategy

Okay…so we all know there are few things that exist in this world that are more perfect than the McDonald’s cheeseburger. They satisfy the most deeply seated memories of childhood, while providing the surge of fat, salt, and ketchup that feed you for the entire day…often times, at 79 cents.

We are very fortunate to recently have these become available in Mexico, and I was equally fortunate to find the ultimate strategy for eating them. You see, while I would normally poo-poo the insane overconsumption of fast food by Americans, we find ourselves in a unique position. While the incredibly delicious variety of sopecitas and tacos makes our head spin, the desire for the familiar leads us to eat at fast food restaurants, far, far more often than we would have in our past lives.

And this over-consumption led me, today, to discover the most perfect way to eat the famous “#2″ we all know and love.

I have been experimenting with McDonalds cheeseburgers since I was in high school. The first thing I discovered was that they should always come second; the burgers can stand up to being a little bit cold. The fries, however, cannot. The second thing I discovered was that, if you add extra ketchup to one of these little wonders, they taste exactly the way they did when you were five years old, when you were getting rewarded for a very special trip to the dentist.

Then, today, my third revelation, my third new rule for the consumption of two perfect McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

Because we love our readers, we will share with you this most perfect secret. When eating actually inside a McDonalds, as most do here in Mexico, you may find yourself a little embarrassed by what I am about to tell you, but follow along, and you will acheive a satisfaction deeper than that you have ever known.

Here’s the trick. Buy two McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Sit down with them. Lay your palm on them;think them over. Then, unwrap the first. Keep your mind from straying to how delicious the second will taste. Using both hands, slowly take tiny nibbles around the perimeter of the sandwich. On your first pass, make an effort not to even bite any of the meat; nibble off the excess bun. Continue moving in concentric circles, all the way in. When you get your first bite of meat, think about how different that was than the bun you were chewing earlier. Keep spiraling inward with your tiny bites. If you time it right, and if your burger has been crafted carefully by a McDonalds professional, your last bite will be the “pickle bite,” which represents the final, perfect bite of a McDonald’s cheeseburger. If you never were to eat anything again for the rest of your life, this last pickle bite should be the last thing…it is the perfect conglomeration of everything that is good in the world, in one, solitary bite. You did it: take a moment to reflect. Ray Croc and his genius idea to standardize food and serve it worldwide, by an army of disposable teenagers has resulted in this perfect, fleeting moment, and you owe him a debt of thanks.

Now, you have a second, steaming, piping-hot burger in front of you. Here is what I want you to do. I want you take that cheeseburger and make every effort in the world to take that cheesy, sweaty bastard down in one bite. That’s right. Fill your mouth with every last bit you can muster. If you’re like me, you’ll end up with about a third left over; don’t worry about that, for now. Think about how, in contrast to the first burger, where you teased yourself with tiny nibbles, where your mouth cried out in complete agony over how little of that McDonald’s cheeseburger was in it, you now have the amazing contrast of the opposite. You are now positively drowning in cheeseburger; indeed, you have barely room to chew, or for that matter, breathe. This cheeseburger is kicking your mouth’s ass, and you have no choice but to find a way to chew it over, to fit it in your mouth, to find a way to get it down.

You probably have about a third left. After you swallow the first two-thirds, you have that little half-moon left to go. Put the whole thing in your mouth, and chew it slowly. If you swallow, it is all over. It will be at least another month (if you have any self-respect), before that unique combination of flavors is in your mouth. Chew slowly. Swallow. Refrain from eating for the rest of the day, from allowing your tongue to taste anything better.

If I’m you, right now, I’m thinking either, “yeah, I don’t really like McDonalds,” or, “boy, this kid has some food issues.” Both are incorrect. You DO like McDonalds. Everybody does, and it’s time to take ownership of that. And I am fine. But, when you cross into your thirties, if you like yourself at all, you need to keep your consumption of this shit to a minimum, because as you know, once you’re thirty, you gain an average of two pounds per day. So even if you limit yourself to one trip to McDonalds per year, what I have outlined above will provide you with the ultimate in statisfaction, the ultimate in comfort, the ultimate in indulgence. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll only have to do it once a year.

There Are 8 Responses So Far. »

  1. Malcolm, you know I am always searching for the path to enlightenment. You just may have found the rumored short cut route. Thanks. I’m off for a taste of Nirvana. Very well written, mi amigo.

  2. The path is simple, my friend. Go find the white concrete structure marked by a yellow “M.” Find a woman named, “Lupe.” She can help you, and she is ready to take your order.

  3. the Uncarved Block.

  4. I want to rub myself in McDonalds’ cheeseburgers after reading this. I fully admit to loving Micky D’s.

    I finished preparing and eating dinner, so I don’t remember the commentary that I was about to make. But I still want to drown in cheeseburgers from McDonalds.

  5. Wow. Does this magical technique also work with bacon, egg and cheese McMuffins?

  6. I try to avoid eating #2 whenever I can….get it? #2??!?! Not to trash Mickey D’s or anything, but once I tasted Burger King for the first time there was no going back. BK beats McD’s by a country mile in my humble opinion. Oddly enough, I never tried Burger King until I was in High School. I guess my folks just weren’t BK people. My mom ALWAYS got Filet o’ Fish. Anyone else’s mother have that same proclivity?

  7. I just realized that this delectable essay was written by Malcolm and not Julian. It much more entertaining to imagine ‘her’ gulping down a burger in two bites like a hungry trucker.

  8. I knew you were on the right track when you got the fries/burger timing sync down right…fries always first! But the circling thing for burger #1 is pure genius….Yeah, I read “Supersize Me”…..but I still love a McD’s fix now and again, especially down here, I must admit it is comforting..great read

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