America loves a monolithic enemy. What united a disparate and fledgling colony better than big bad daddy Britain? When were we more American than when we were facing off against Russia? Since the Cold War ended (it’s been sooo boring, right?) the focus on The Middle East and Islam has been a fairly successful stand-in. But it is problematic. It’s too heterogeneous, spread-out geographically, and mysterious. There are so many factions. It’s just a hassle to keep up with the Sunnis and the Shiites and all the countries, governments, divisions, collusions, and factors that have shaped the youngest of the Abrahamic religions. If not them, then who can we disparage to feel closer as a nation? Hating the French is just so easy, it’s absurd- Quelle Blague! Our grandparents were not so fond of the “Japs” re: that whole Pearl Harbor debacle, but then those little guys went and made everything so awesome and adorable, they’re obviously out of contention. We could bash Australians, mostly based on our derision for Russell Crowe and marsupials, but I don’t know, it’s kind of a long shot. Australia also made Nicole Kidman and that nice opera house, we like those – so pretty! We “blamed Canada” back in the late nineties. Don’t have a cow, man. You can always make a crack about aboot or mounties or hockey but it doesn’t have that wow factor. So let’s see, sticking close to home, a neighbor that we can laugh at and at the same time fear…I got it, Mexico! Sweet.
an imagined NAFTA total phone conversation:
US: Hey Mexico, we totally love your beaches and tacos!
Mexico: Thanks dude, we were feeling a little bullied…
US: Don’t you hate Canada, just a tiny bit for being so smug about their health care and mild summers…?
Mexico: Well, they do…
Canada: Psych! It’s me, Canada. Smooth move, Bean Boy
Mexico: You guys got me again. Good one. See you tomorrow
Sneaky foreigners stealing citizens’ jobs is as old as Lady Liberty herself and blaming Latin America for our NOB drug problem is as cool today as it was in the 80′s. If only Boy George had fared as well! Mexico is a perfect foil for our precarious situation and so desperate for approval from us that we can always win back any lost affection should we no longer need it in this capacity. So while the sky continues to fall, the economy fails and your children end up attending a state university, make youself feel better by tuning into the US news media and getting good and bitter about the failed narco-nation to the south. ‘Cause what’s bad for them has got to be good for us…but keep those tacos and burritos coming, we love those! Arriba!