Did anyone else happen to catch last night’s episode of the Daily Show? Sharon Stone was there, to promote Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, and turned out a truly bizarre, inappropriate performance, in which she couldn’t seem to follow the line of questioning, stared blankly at the audience as though responding to a joke only she could hear, and just generally acting like a nutbag. What in the hell happened here? Ms. Stone, here’s a quick rundown of the four errors present in the current strategy of re-introducing you to an unsuspecting public:

1. In Basic Instinct 2, you are under the unbelievably misguided assumption that anyone wants to see your 60-year-old naked bag of bones. Look, here’s the deal: You used body doubles throughout the whole first film, and then, when the director ACCIDENTALLY caught a shot of your naughty bits onscreen, you went ballistic. Now, for some reason, you have decided that nudity is what it’s all about, only you have done it at a time when it is completely irrelevant for you (not to mention all of us), falling many, many years after anyone wanted to see it. Good work.
2. You have completely changed your entire image. Now, don’t get me wrong, memories of being 14 years old are a little fuzzy for me. I’m not convinced I was even approaching puberty at that point (that wouldn’t come for five more years), so I’m not sure if you were sexy or not, back then. But I seem to remember you positioning yourself as a strong, smart, sophisticated woman, who could possibly be a little dangerous….and THAT’S what made you sexy. The actress I saw last night was a bubbly, empty-headed bimbo mess.
3. No one is interested in a sequel 14 years after the original.
4. You are insane, addicted to drugs, or addicted to drugs and insane.

In summary, this movie is going to be a complete disaster. And watching Stone do interviews in which she really thinks she has made a well-done, compelling, important movie, that everyone will go and see and will make millions and millions of dollars, is just getting embarrassing and painful to watch. Look, I’m all for sequels that include the original movie title, the number 2, a colon, and then more words (see Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise, Mannequin 2: On the Move, Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver, and of course, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo). With that being said, I’m gonna not only go ahead and say I won’t be seeing Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, but I may just have to wait in my room until this whole thing blows over.