Sonic Drive-In: A Mystery Revealed
For some reason, the Sonic fast food chain doesn’t limit their ad campaigns to regions, choosing instead to broadcast their commercials nationwide regardless of local availability. This means that for the past few years, I have been teased with the promise of cheeseburgers as big as my head, dancing armies of hot french fries, and milkshakes with chunks of brownie and cherries mixed right in. But when I step out my front door, I don’t see a Sonic anywhere. They appear to be focused mainly in the South.
So one of the big promises of this trip was that I was going to be able to go to Sonic. I spent hours researching their menu over my slow dialup connection, and was appalled by what I found. Burgers and sandwiches so high in fat and calories, that they make the other fast food companies weep greasy tears of regret.
I finally decided on the SuperSonic Double Cheeseburger with mayonnaise, since it seemed to be their most ridiculously unhealthy offering. It weighs in at around 1000 calories, and 66 delicious grams of fat. This puts to shame even the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese that made Morgan Spurlock throw up in Supersize Me, as his body refused to accept what he had just put into it. The SuperSonic burger has about 300 more calories and 20 more grams of fat than McDonald’s attempt to throw everyone’s stomach into convulsions, and I was excited to try it out.
My mom opted out of enjoying a Sonic cheeseburger with me, explaining that she had tried Sonic before and knew better. My hopes had been set incredibly high over the last week, and I was delighted to see what would happen to my body over the next ten minutes. What followed exceeded even my wildest expectations.
All systems are go. At this point, I am so excited that I have goosebumps.
It’s not actually too bad looking. The bun is a wonderful Wonder Bread-esque affair, and the “cheese” oozing out everywhere is remarkably reminiscent of the nachos at 7-11. Though I didn’t pull the burger apart, I also detected some unusual yellow sauce that I never figured out.
Halfway there, and still going strong…though starting to wonder about my decision.
This is the point where things completely unraveled. I had put down nearly a day’s worth of food energy in under two minutes, and my body went into what can only be described as “shock.” I started to sweat, and my mom pointed out my newfound sheen. She was laughing at me hysterically, as I fought to keep the whole thing in my stomach where it belonged. I got dizzy, was scared to burp, and was prepared for a pull-over, as my body desperately tried to figure out what had happened to it.
Historically, we have not had the technology to deliver that kind of beefy payload into our bellies in such a small amount of time. Though I managed to keep the burger down, the feeling was unbelievably unpleasant, and in fact, I am only starting to feel right again this afternoon, 24 hours later. My heart has had a couple of twinges of pain, during which I can only assume it has been trying desperately to force some kind of clot through.
In summary, for those of you that don’t have access to Sonic and are tantalized by their commercials, don’t be sad. Their food should really only be eaten for comedic purposes. And comedy was the word of the day, as I don’t think my mom and I have ever laughed so hard over something so utterly ridiculous. For those of you that DO have access to Sonic, and maybe even enjoy it a few times a week, I implore you: stop what you are doing to yourself.
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Comment by Matt on 25 April 2006:
Do not tangle with the Sonic. That place brings the gastro-bitchslap.
Comment by seawave on 1 May 2006:
Good lord, I’m glad you survived to blog the tale. Surely one of your coronary arteries has been branded proudly with the Sonic logo.
Comment by mia on 30 August 2006:
fyi little kids, sonic is not as bad as you make it out to be. they should sue you for slandering. so shut up and quit acting like you’re perfect. you probably spend all day on your fat ass eating potato chips and watching girl’s gone wild. i feel bad you felt sick but you might of had a foodborne illness from something else because they take more than a few minutes to do any damage. and fyi i will send you the nutritional value of the whole menu via this website. i hope you choke on your words.
Comment by mia on 30 August 2006:
Food Item Weight (g) Cals (g) Fat Cals (g)Total Fat(g) Sat (g) Trans Fat(g) Chol (mg) Sod (mg) Carb (g) Fiber (g) Sugar (g) Prot (g) Vit A Vit C Calcium Iron
Sonic® Burger (w/ Mayonnaise) 242 630 330 37 11 2 70 700 53 4 9 24 6% 10% 15% 30%
Sonic® Burger (w/ Mustard) 235 540 230 25 9 2 60 730 52 4 9 24 6% 10% 15% 30%
Sonic® Burger (w/ Ketchup) 235 540 230 25 9 2 60 730 54 4 10 24 8% 10% 15% 30%
Sonic® Cheeseburger (w/ Mayonnaise) 260 700 380 42 14 2 85 1020 55 4 10 27 10% 10% 25% 30%
Sonic® Cheeseburger (w/ Mustard) 253 600 280 31 12 2 75 1050 54 4 10 27 10% 10% 25% 30%
Sonic® Cheeseburger (w/ Ketchup) 260 610 280 31 12 2 75 1120 57 4 13 28 15% 15% 25% 30%
Sonic® Bacon Cheeseburger 273 770 420 47 16 2 100 1280 55 4 10 32 10% 10% 25% 30%
Super Sonic® Cheeseburger (w/ Mayonnaise) 337 970 570 63 24 3.5 165 1420 56 4 11 45 15% 10% 40% 35%
Super Sonic® Cheeseburger (w/ Mustard) 330 870 470 52 23 3.5 155 1440 55 4 11 45 15% 10% 40% 35%
Super Sonic® Cheeseburger (w/ Ketchup) 337 880 470 52 23 3.5 155 1520 59 4 14 45 20% 15% 40% 35%
Jr. Burger 117 320 140 16 5 1 35 610 29 2 7 15 4% 4% 10% 10%
Jr. Cheeseburger 135 380 190 21 9 1.5 55 930 30 2 8 18 8% 4% 20% 10%
Dixie Burger 249 640 330 37 11 2 70 790 53 4 9 24 6% 10% 15% 30%
Dixie cheeseburger 267 710 380 42 14 2 85 1110 55 4 10 27 10% 10% 25% 30%
Thousand Island Jr. Cheeseburger 137 440 250 28 10 1.5 60 700 29 2 6 17 10% 0% 20% 10%
California Cheeseburger 260 670 340 38 13 2 80 1050 56 4 11 27 15% 10% 25% 30%
Super Sonic® Jalapeno Cheeseburger 286 860 470 52 23 3.5 155 1310 53 3 10 45 15% 2% 35% 35%
Thousand Island Cheeseburger 260 660 330 37 13 2 85 1110 56 4 11 28 15% 10% 25% 30%
Jalapeno Cheeseburger 209 600 270 30 12 2 75 910 52 3 9 27 8% 2% 25% 25%
Jalapeno Burger 191 530 230 25 9 2 60 590 50 3 8 24 2% 2% 15% 25%
Green Chili Cheeseburger 281 610 280 31 12 2 75 1050 55 4 10 27 10% 25% 25% 30%
Chili Cheeseburger 220 640 310 34 14 2 85 970 54 4 9 30 10% 2% 25% 30%
Hickory Cheeseburger 230 620 270 30 12 2 75 1150 60 4 15 27 10% 6% 25% 30%
Jr. Double Cheeseburger 190 570 320 36 16 2.5 110 1290 32 2 8 30 15% 4% 30% 15%
Food Item Weight (g) Cals (g) Fat Cals (g)Total Fat(g) Sat (g) Trans Fat(g) Chol (mg) Sod (mg) Carb (g) Fiber (g) Sugar (g) Prot (g) Vit A Vit C Calcium Iron
Cheese 18 60 45 5 3 0 20 310 2 0 1 3 6% 0% 10% 0%
Bacon 13 70 50 5 2 0 15 260 0 0 0 4 0% 0% 0% 2%
Chili 33 50 35 3.5 1.5 0 10 160 2 1 1 3 6% 2% 2% 2%
Jalapeno 21 5 0 0 0 0 0 280 1 1 0 0 2% 0% 2% 2%
Green Chiles 28 5 0 0 0 0 0 5 1 0 0 0 0% 15% 0% 0%
Slaw 28 45 30 3 0.5 0 5 45 4 1 1 0 4% 80% 2% 0%
Grilled Onions 28 25 10 1.5 0 0 0 200 2 1 2 0 4% 0% 0% 2%
Food Item Weight (g) Cals (g) Fat Cals (g)Total Fat(g) Sat (g) Trans Fat(g) Chol (mg) Sod (mg) Carb (g) Fiber (g) Sugar (g) Prot (g) Vit A Vit C Calcium Iron
Jr. Burger 117 320 140 16 5 1 35 610 29 2 7 15 4% 4% 10% 10%
Jr. Cheeseburger 135 380 190 21 9 1.5 55 930 30 2 8 18 8% 4% 20% 10%
Corn Dog 73 250 130 15 4 1.5 15 80 23 2 8 5 0% 0% 15% 6%
Grilled Cheese 118 390 150 17 8 1.5 35 1010 45 2 7 14 15% 0% 30% 10%
Chicken Strips (2) 72 210 100 11 2 2 35 430 13 1 0 14 0% 0% 2% 4%
Food Item Weight (g) Cals (g) Fat Cals (g)Total Fat(g) Sat (g) Trans Fat(g) Chol (mg) Sod (mg) Carb (g) Fiber (g) Sugar (g) Prot (g) Vit A Vit C Calcium Iron
Chicken Club Toaster® Sandwich 265 690 310 35 10 3 80 1900 64 4 11 32 15% 6% 25% 15%
Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster® Sandwich 251 690 330 37 14 3 90 1410 58 3 13 31 15% 10% 30% 20%
Food Item Weight (g) Cals (g) Fat Cals (g)Total Fat(g) Sat (g) Trans Fat(g) Chol (mg) Sod (mg) Carb (g) Fiber (g) Sugar (g) Prot (g) Vit A Vit C Calcium Iron
Grilled Chicken Salad 351 310 130 14 6 1 95 1050 19 4 8 28 110% 40% 25% 10%
JUMBO POPCORN CHICKEN™ Salad 354 490 250 28 9 4 60 1440 39 5 8 22 110% 40% 30% 10%
Santa Fe Chicken Salad 399 370 140 15 6 1 95 1140 29 6 8 30 120% 50% 25% 10%
Food Item Weight (g) Cals (g) Fat Cals (g)Total Fat(g) Sat (g) Trans Fat(g) Chol (mg) Sod (mg) Carb (g) Fiber (g) Sugar (g) Prot (g) Vit A Vit C Calcium Iron
Original Ranch Dressing 57 260 250 28 4.5 0 20 490 0 0 0 0 0% 0% 0% 0%
Original Light Ranch Dressing 57 120 60 7 1 0 15 740 14 0 5 1 0% 0% 2% 0%
Honey Mustard 57 240 190 21 3 0 15 300 14 0 12 1 0% 0% 0% 0%
Fat Free Golden Italian 57 50 0 0 0 0 0 600 13 0 4 0 0% 0% 0% 0%
Southwest Ranch 57 120 60 7 1 0 15 770 15 0 5 1 4% 0% 0% 0%
Thousand Island 57 250 230 25 4 0 30 590 9 0 7 1 15% 4% 0% 0%
NOTE: When printing this guide your printer’s layout properties will need to be set to landscape orientation.
Nutrition Guide
Burgers
Toaster® Sandwiches
Add Ons
Kid’s Meal
Fresh Tastes® Salads
Hidden Valley® Ranch Dressings
Wraps
Comment by Malcolm on 5 September 2006:
FYI, whore, I take issue with everything you just said. First of all, all you did by pasting the entire nutritional contents of Sonic’s entire menu into my blog comments was prove that not one statement in my account was untrue. You pointed out that, in fact, the SuperSonic Cheeseburger does contain as many calories and grams of fat as I claimed.
Second, your grasp of the law is shocking. Nothing I have said here can be regarded as slander, as it was a factual account of an experience I had, and last time I checked, experience cannot be litigated against. Remember how I called you a “whore” in the first sentence? Again, it all comes down to my personal experience.
Third, while I do enjoy potato chips AND Girls Gone Wild (was this an insult?), I by no means have “a fat ass.” If you’re not careful, I will sue you for slander using my crack team of expert Made-Up Internet Lawyers.
Finally, there is no way I had any “food borne illness,” as I had not eaten since the previous day in order to prepare my body for the beefy atrocities I was about to perpetrate on it. I should also point out that I am not retarded, and therefore know the difference between “food borne illness” and “being full.”
At the end of all this, I quite enjoy Sonic cheeseburgers. All that fluffy processed flour and sticky, gooey cheese is delicious, and I make sure to stop by whenever I am visiting our inbred neighbors to the South. While I am glad you stumbled upon our blog while sweating, crying, and wistfully searching for “Delicious Sonic Cheeseburgers” on the web, I am not interested in hearing any more of your opinions.
Enjoy the blog!
Comment by Mom on 16 November 2006:
That about says it all. If you need me in court, I’ll be your star witness!
Love you, even when you’re about to throw up…
Comment by David on 30 January 2007:
I never thought sonic food was that good for you but amazed at how truly horrible there food is as even the government says there are no acceptable levels of Transfats for human consumption so by the level of transfat this place should be avoided like the plauge as it is bad enough to to even mention there use of HFCS which is a major cause of our america poor heath and the huge rise in type two diabetes
Comment by Ann on 16 July 2007:
About the law suits no direct names no case for slander. I think every one should just respect each others difference of oppinion and move on without the childish name calling.
As for sonic burgers they are no worse than the meat loaf that came out of grandma’s kitchen, taste great, but a heart attack on a plate. Personally I’d rather have one of those wonderful (gag) healthy veggie burgers. See you tonight grand ma!
Comment by Sarah on 25 July 2007:
OMG Malcolm, so I was looking at your blog b/c I am bored and since you haven’t updated it in a MILLION years I saw ppl had been commenting on your sonic experience. First of all, your response is, as usual hilarious. I am just blown away that ppl would get so enraged about you badmouthing a cheeseburger. I am also enraged to find out via your sonic link that those delicious grilled cheeses that Meredith and I ate all the way across the country, courtesy of sonic have as many calories as a jr thousand island burger (whatever that is). However they’re cherry limeades are quite delicious.
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