You know those big, big bottles of water, that you tilt into the top of a cooler or dispenser? They’re heavy, and often, depending on what kind of dispenser you are inverting them on, there isn’t a lot of room to pour water in before it starts sloshing all over the place.  As a kid, I never had much experience with the day-to-day of these big ol’ bottles of water, being surrounded by the crystal clear mountain spring waters of Maine, and later, the almost Perrier-like finery of city water in Brooklyn.  As it turns out, the learning curve for making these bottles a part of your life is a little steeper than you might think.

 The first order of business is the cost and deposit. Depending on the tienda you buy your water from, you must always return the empty that you just used. Some proprietors will outright refuse to sell you a new bottle without an empty, while others will make you pay a hefty deposit (we have paid up to 50 pesos!) that you may or may not ever see again. A big bottle of Cristal brand water should run you about 18-22 pesos, and these last us about a week. Always, always, ALWAYS keep your empty.

Second, the motion. Move fast. Bend at the knees, grab that bottle of water like a bear catching a giant fish, and in one quick motion, up and over that sonofagun. Some water may spill. This is not the end of the world, however, after your 75th cleanup, you will begin to feel like a bit of a moron and begin to search for a better way, which is what led me to write this compelling entry about bottled water, and present the techniques I have seen and tried:

1. The swift grab-and-flip, as described above. This one is only successful and spill-free about 10% of the time, and I totally made that figure up. 
2. You’ll notice that inside most coolers or dispensers, there is a little white plastic needle. It’s not sharp, or very sturdy, but most amateur water bottle scientists have seen it, and let their imaginations run wild. Doesn’t it seem reasonable that you could leave the lid ON the bottle of water, invert it onto that white plug, have it pierce the cap and have your water flow freely, with no spillage? Unfortunately, no. The plastic lids are too strong to be pierced by that flimsy little piece of plastic. Slamming the water bottle up and down on it will only tire you out, and potentially cause permanent damage to your water cooler, not to mention injury or even death. But you’re on the right track.
3. What if you pierced the cap just a little bit first? If you use a sharp knife to cut an “X” into the top of the lid, the rigidness of the plastic will be enough to keep lots of water from spilling out, but will weaken the lid enough that it can be pierced by the white plug inside your cooler. This was my preferred method for several months. The only drawback is, sometimes the four little triangle-shaped tabs that result from notching the top of the bottle will behave like the barb on a fish hook, making it difficult to release your empty bottle from the cooler at the end of the week.
4. I saw this one at a friend’s house, and it was at that moment I knew this had to be addressed and discussed publically. It was a solution so elaborate, that a whole afternoon had to be set aside just to change the water bottle. He had an old lid from something else, maybe a small mayonnaise jar. In the middle of that lid, was a drilled hole. So the procedure was this: He would take a new bottle of water, and remove the plastic screw cap. Then, he would cover the mouth of the new bottle with plastic wrap, and screw the custom-drilled mayonnaise lid on over it. Presto! Invert the bottle, plastic wrap blocks spillage, plug pierces plastic, water flows freely, with the only cost being that you look like an obssesive compulsive nutcase who lives in fear of water spilling. It was then that I had to comment, and share my ultimate, super secret, number one, grade-A solution to this problem…
5. Buy Electropura. It comes with a foil top under the plastic cap, which your water cooler can break, thereby eliminating the need for all of this at-home engineering and experimentation. We think it tastes better, too.